A couple of weeks ago, I watched 90 Day Fiance, a reality show about couples who met their significant others in different countries and they have to get married in 90 days. Molly had met Luiz in the Dominican Republic on a girls’ trip; they fell in love and wanted to get married so she arranged for him to come to the United States.
When he arrived, he moved into her home. Her children (teen daughter Olivia; I can’t remember the younger daughter’s name) and her dad were not happy because the relationship was moving too fast. Luiz acted like he was deeply in love with Molly and wanted the same things she did, but eventually his true colors emerged. I saw quite a few red flags on this episode:
• Luiz proposed to Molly despite Olivia expressing her concerns. He just wanted to do things his way and didn’t seem to care that her children were apprehensive about the marriage (the younger daughter liked him). Luiz wasn’t patient and didn’t seem to understand that it would take time for the kids to warm up to him. If he really cared about Molly, he would’ve waited.
• Luiz and Molly’s brother were playing pool and Olivia and her friend joined them. Molly’s brother told Luiz that Olivia had gotten mad at him for telling Molly about her boyfriend. Luiz said that he could keep that secret and she can do whatever she wants with her body. He asked Olivia if she loved her boyfriend and if she was sleeping with him (he used the “f” word). Weird! Makes me wonder if Luiz was interested in Olivia. Or maybe in his culture, it’s okay to be straightforward and discuss taboo topics? She told her mom about the conversation and Molly agreed that it was weird.
• When Molly talked to Luiz about planning the wedding, he never offered any input; he kept saying that Molly could do whatever she wanted. His lack of feedback shows he wasn’t interested (he never seemed to be interested about important issues). Even if men aren’t excited about every little detail when it comes to their weddings, they should have some type of opinion about the décor, clothing, invitations, etc.
• Luiz told Molly’s brother that he wanted to go back to the Dominican Republic—he didn’t want to deal with her kids; he just wanted to go to the beach and have fun. Luiz wasn’t able to do much (drive, work, etc. since you need special permits and what not) and he stated that being in Molly’s home was like being in prison. He also said that he wanted her children to go live with their dads.
• They both had bachelorette and bachelor parties. Molly had her party, and was at home by 10 pm, waiting for him, but he wasn’t home. Luiz and Molly’s brother had their bachelor party at a strip club. When she called Luiz to see where he was, he said that he still has his day off and would be home by 3am! When he hung up the phone, he said that he was the man in the relationship and she was talking crazy. As soon as Luiz made it home, he fell asleep and Molly woke him up at 3pm so she could talk to him about the night before. Luiz acted as if he did nothing wrong and was just drunk. He even asked her to cook him breakfast but she didn’t.
Finally, Molly realized that the relationship wouldn’t work out, especially when Luiz told her that he was tempted to go back to the Dominican Republic. She tried to talk to him about how she felt, but he kept telling her that she was talking crazy. Then he started saying that she had a lot of décor in her home (Buddha and owl statues, candles, etc.) that doesn’t show she believes in God. Molly became upset and tried to focus on the real issue, but he diverted the topic back to her again. After she told him to pack his things and leave, he started laughing once she left the room. It’s obvious that he wasn’t man enough to admit that the relationship wasn’t going to work out. Luiz used her home décor as an excuse to start a fight so he wouldn’t have to do the dirty work of breaking up with her. I don’t think he truly loved her; he wanted to be in control and do as he pleased, hoping to have Molly waiting on him hand and foot.
Comedian Chris Rock said, “When we meet someone, we meet their representative.” Everything seems so perfect in the beginning (they smell good, look good, make you laugh, the sex is great, etc.) but eventually, they become comfortable or they just get tired of pretending and the real person comes out. It can be frightening and confusing to see a completely different side of a person you thought you knew. In addition, you also have to be careful who you bring around your children. When kids say that they don’t like the person you’re dating, they’re usually afraid of their parent giving them less attention; but what if they’re actually sensing that something isn’t right about your new mate (I believe that was the case with Molly’s daughter, Olivia)? The person you bring around your children should be a healthy addition to your family, not someone who will cause chaos, confusion, and resentment.
This is why we have to pay attention to the warning signs—the “small” things we tend to gloss over because we want the relationship to work out SO badly or we think we’re just “trippin.’ ” Those warning signs are sneak peeks of what the relationship is going to truly be like. In some instances, maybe the person won’t do or say anything wrong but you might have a funny feeling that something is “off “or just doesn’t feel right. The Holy Spirit will reveal the truth to you in various ways in order to protect you, but you must heed the red flags.
What red flags have you noticed in relationships/dating?